The following first appeared in Stephinitely, a weekly newsletter from columnist Stephanie Hayes featuring a bonus column and behind-the-scenes chatter. To get it in your inbox every Monday, subscribe here.
I’m not afraid to tackle the ISSUES. Yes, it can get a little heated, even divisive at times. But someone has to speak out on the things that really matter. With all due respect to those who disagree:
Candy corn is gross.
That is just a fact. It is essentially molded corn syrup and food dyes. It is waxy. It is sweet enough to peel off cosmetic dentistry.
Folks are worked up this year due to a revelation that candy corn contains bug secretions via an ingredient called confectioners glaze. Good to know for vegans.
Still, I’m going to give one point to candy corn here, because I am personally not that bothered by insect byproduct. Many people around the world consume bugs. And as USA Today points out, “lac coating” is found in a bunch of foods. Also, have you ever worked in a restaurant?
Back to why it’s bad. Candy corn was created in the 1880s, first billed as “chicken feed.” Honestly, it makes sense. It really tastes like a turn-of-the-century treat. No offense to any readers who happen to be 150-year-old Victorian ghosts and might be into cream filberts or candy cigarettes or wax lips, or, you know, powdered burlap squares.
If you’re still not convinced and enjoy eating a candy that is LITERALLY SHAPED LIKE TEARS, here are more reasons candy corn is best left for chickens. Warning: These may be shocking.
LITTLE-KNOWN CANDY CORN FACTS
Candy corn was waiting in an alley outside a Gotham City theater to kill Batman’s parents, and now Batman must seek revenge on candy corn.
All the electrical wiring in my 1950 house is coated in pure candy corn, which is a big fire hazard and costs a lot to replace.
My dog won’t even eat candy corn, and he eats his own doo-doo.
Candy corn is the one who sent all those FarmVille requests.
Candy corn has a stick family decal on the back of candy corn’s car window, and all the members are shaped like candy corn.
Rumors abound that candy corn was the actual Bad Art Friend.
Candy corn adds an “S” to names of stores that don’t have one, such as, “I’m going to stop at Winn-Dixies,” and “these shoes are from Foot Lockers.”
Candy corn never offers to help clean up at a party, and has no natural sense of when it’s time to leave.
When candy corn goes out to eat, candy corn always sends back the food, and it’s like, okay, you’re CANDY CORN.
Candy corn may seem like an innocent newcomer in a small town, but candy corn actually has secrets that will unfold in the coming months. Approach candy corn with the utmost caution. You have been warned.