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A New Year’s prayer for an average, boring, unremarkable 2022
No pandemic, no insurrection. Just a birthday at Olive Garden and the color beige.
A nice birthday at Olive Garden is all we ask for!
A nice birthday at Olive Garden is all we ask for! [ STEVEN SENNE | Associated Press ]
Published Dec. 23, 2021
Updated Jan. 1

Shh. Everyone be quiet. Don’t rustle. Are you sure you want to wear such a noisy dress? Sequins are overplayed. Put down that noise blower! EXCUSE ME, IS THAT A TRUMPET?

Everyone may be tempted to celebrate big this New Year’s Eve. Despite ever-looming coronavirus variants, life has crept toward something approaching normal. That’s invigorating.

But it is my obligation to remind you what happened last year when people were optimistic. Not six days into 2021, violent insurrectionists stormed the U.S. Capitol, and Arnold Schwarzenegger had to admonish everyone while holding a sword. That set the tone, didn’t it? Our long-awaited summer was all about delta, and I don’t mean the airline. We had broken supply chains, inflation, mask mandate lawsuits over lawsuits to stop the lawsuits. And on top of everything, Gen Z said our jeans were ugly!

We don’t need a great year. And we really don’t need another bad year. We just need an average year.

For example, a computer scientist once determined that April 11, 1954 was the most boring day in history, because not much happened in the world. Soviet cyclist Aleksandr Averin, born that day, disagrees. Or we could look to April 18, 1930, when a BBC announcer boldly said, “There is no news,” and played piano for 15 minutes. Maybe we need to channel the energy of April, in general.

With that, here is a prayer for 2022:

Oh (fill in your deity of choice here) of infinite wisdom! This year, grant us mediocrity! Bless us with lengthy stretches of boredom! Hear the following humble hopes!

For 78 percent on a math test, “not your best, but not your worst” in the margins.

For a birthday at Olive Garden with limp singing from servers and a slice of brownie lasagna.

For a beige couch with darker beige pillows.

For a tank top that says, “Mama needs her wine.”

For a blurry 2012 Facebook photo of a street sign you thought was funny but really isn’t funny in hindsight, oh well.

For a plain chicken breast with a side of steamed broccoli on a Monday.

For the record of the Pittsburgh Pirates.

For our children to discover a fulfilling talent, but not one that costs thousands of dollars and requires weekend travel, or anything involving ice skates.

For just a little half-and-half, OK?

For the movie We Bought A Zoo.

For a Halloween costume that’s just your roommate’s work scrubs from the dentist office.

For a piece of wall art involving metal leaves from Kirkland’s.

For a used Toyota Yaris.

For a clean Holiday Inn Express with free bagels in the morning.

For two matching socks that can be located in less than eight minutes.

For the printer to work, just this one time.

For a break from violence, death, destruction, misinformation and man’s inhumanity to man.

For a nice, clear broth.

Related: Read more columns from Stephanie Hayes