Oh, boy! A word from Mickey Mouse, who is spiraling in Florida!
Disney’s head mouse here! I’m having a hard time!
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse wave to the crowd in 2019 at Disney World in Orlando.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse wave to the crowd in 2019 at Disney World in Orlando. [ Times (2019) ]
Published Apr. 26|Updated Apr. 26

H-h-hey everybody! It’s me, Mickey Mouse!

Say, you want to come inside my clubhouse? Well, allllright!

Oh, boy! Let’s have some fun! Let’s pretend nothing bad is going on, OK, everybody? I don’t like to complain, because if you can dream it, you can do it! But I’ve had a rough couple of weeks, hoo-hoo! Not so swell, to be honest!

My attorney Professor Ludwig Von Drake has advised me not to speak, so I will be careful, because I’m just a mouse in pants! Or are these shorts? Capris? Pantaloons? They are high-waisted with hollow, unseeing eyeballs, which sums up how I feel these days!

To make the clubhouse appear, we have to say the magic words together. Come on, everyone! Meeska Mooska Mickey Mouse! Meeska Mooska Mickey Mouse!

Did that create a special taxing district? No? Oh, boy. Maybe we can try again, a little louder! M-I-C-K-E-Y-M-O-U-S-E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G-I-S-F-I-N-E.

Now, I don’t know too much about government, except that Donald Duck has shown what Minnie calls “autocratic tendencies” and that Goofy is what she calls a “sycophant, which one could argue is more dangerous than the autocrat.”

All I know is, a lot of people in full-length pants have met in colorless boardrooms! They are threatening each other with money this mouse made them, kids! And I am now caught in a Mouseke-revenge plot!

Related: Who’s the real Mickey Mouse in DeSantis vs. Disney? | Editorial

I’ve got ears! It’s time for cheers! Do you know how many ears people wear every day? With sequins and bridal veils and rainbows and, for some reason, Yoda? Those ears come out of my head, and no one is even talking about me!

Minnie said “It’s not about you,” and I felt kind of hurt! She said we are “trapped in a performative culture war with real consequences.” I told her that all our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them, and she said, “only with aggressive gerrymandering.” Later, Daisy told me she saw Minnie with... shhh... a cigarette. She’s full of beans!

Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog, I’m feeling down, I’m kinda lost! Is it normal to be … gee, I don’t know, a little hopeless? Not about any one specific thing, but, like, everything? Like there’s a gray cloud over the Magic Kingdom and I don’t have a yellow poncho? Like I’m missing the energy to even wave at the Move It! Shake It! MousekeDance It! Street Party?

Gosh, Minnie was mean! She said I was a “melancholic narcissist clinging to a rosy past that doesn’t exist anymore,” hee-hee! She said “Florida is setting petty precedents devoid of checks and balances.” She said I’m living in a “liminal space with only nostalgia as an anchor.” Then she started wearing pantsuits!

But best friends stick together! We can fix this, everyone! Let’s go get our Mouseke-tools! Mouseke-hey, Mouseke-hi, Mouseke-ho, Mouseke-bond rating agency! Mouseke-fire protection and Mouseke-wastewater services! Mouseke-constitutional law!

Oh, no, boys and girls. It’s all a bit too much for your old pal Mickey. I’m going to play with Pluto because he makes me feel something, by golly. Dogs might be the last thing we have in common anymore! Minnie said dogs “trigger oxytocin” and that it’s a “Band-Aid for my problems” and wow, I really need Minnie to give it a rest!

Spend your days with Hayes

Spend your days with Hayes

Subscribe to our free Stephinitely newsletter

Columnist Stephanie Hayes will share thoughts, feelings and funny business with you every Monday.

You’re all signed up!

Want more of our free, weekly newsletters in your inbox? Let’s get started.

Explore all your options

It’s time to say goodbye! I’m going to turn off all the lights and sleep face-down! Hot dog, hot dog, the problem’s solved! Now toodle-loo, I’ll see you soon!

(Minnie said “in court.”)

Related: Read more columns from Stephanie Hayes

Get Stephanie’s newsletter

For weekly bonus content and a look inside columns by Stephanie Hayes, sign up for the free Stephinitely newsletter.


This site no longer supports your current browser. Please use a modern and up-to-date browser version for the best experience.

Chrome Firefox Safari Edge