Quick! We must prepare!
Who are “we”? We are the following: headline writers, sports announcers, T-shirt printers, trademark attorneys, tourism professionals, online content creators, whimsical cake decorators, pilots who spell smoke messages in the sky, tattoo artists, airport welcome sign operators, nail technicians and that one screaming fan who refuses to leave the boat parade long after the athletes have returned home for banana bags of intravenous recovery fluids.
OK, so things with the Colorado Avalanche didn’t get off to a perfect start. But no worries for our comeback kings! With the Tampa Bay Lightning eager to win a remarkable third Stanley Cup in as many seasons, it’s time to stock up on SLOGANS. JINGLES. RALLYING CRIES. AXIOMS. IDIOMS. It’s time for… A THESAURUS.
Because, you see, “we” have exhausted all the cute, celebratory hockey phrases by now. It is merely the cost of doing business with an extremely proficient sports collective. Lightning has struck twice. We have been the thunder so loud we have sustained hearing loss. Stanley already has a tan, you dig? Stanley has a sunburn. Stanley has had a full-body dermatological scan for irregular and raised moles, and Stanley is pleased to report the labs came back negative.
The prevailing merchandise slogan so far appears to be “3E the Thunder,” which is stressful! Is it pronounced “THREE the THUNDER”? Or is it “THREE-E the Thunder,” as in, “Please leave the Pad Thai outside apartment 3E and do not knock because the dog will bark”?
We should also brace for flagrant abuse of the phrase “THREE-PEAT” and wait with bated breath for Nikita Kucherov to say something sassy in a press conference again. In the meantime, let’s get to work. Remember, there are no bad ideas in brainstorming, only terrible ones.
THREE’S A CROWD(PLEASER)
GET OUT OF THE POOL IF YOU SEE LIGHTNING, MOM SAID
THUNDERBUG CAN’T BE KILLED, NOT EVEN BY TERMINIX
LIGHTNING IN A BOTTLE: TRY OUR NEW HARD SELTZER
THREE STRIKES AND YOU’RE CLOUT
STANLEY CUP? MORE LIKE STANLEY HOLY CHALICE, A BLESSED ARTIFACT UPON THY WILL BE DONE
A TIP OF THE SALARY CAP, GOOD SIRS
MY THROAT KIND OF HURTS AT THIS POINT, BUT THAT’S FINE
STANLEY NEEDS 20 PERCENT DOWN FOR A MORTGAGE IN THIS MARKET
MISS LIGHTNING IF YOU’RE DY-NASTY
THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM, BUT SO WERE THE FIRST AND SECOND TIMES
ICE, ICE, UM, ICE BABY
PERFECT STORM, BUT NOT THE SHIPWRECK WAY
STEVEN GRAND SLAM-KOS!!! WAIT —
PLAYOFF BEARDS SO LONG WE LOOK LIKE GANDALF
WITH THESE GAS PRICES THEY HAVE TO KEEP WINNING
THREE TEETH AND THREE CUPS: THE LIGHTNING STORY
SERIOUSLY, THERE ARE A LOT OF GAMES
BACK TO BACK TO BACK... HOLD ON... THAT’S THE FRONT... TURN AROUND... THERE, STOP
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