The following first appeared in Stephinitely, a weekly newsletter from columnist Stephanie Hayes featuring a bonus column and behind-the-scenes chatter. To get it in your inbox every Monday, subscribe here.
Thank you so much for choosing our Airbnb, Gentri-Vacation. We hope you enjoy yourself and take advantage of the ample amenities we are happy to provide.
This will be an unforgettable experience, despite what people on the internet are saying about hotels being better than Airbnbs and vacation rentals contributing to the current housing crisis. Answer us this: Do hotels supply a half-used bottle of mustard in the fridge? Do hotels have a curious neighbor with a preponderance of iguanas? Do hotels maintain a foot locker full of pool toys pulled from the nearby river? We thought not.
We only ask that you follow a few simple rules in order to keep our place in top condition for you and all future guests.
Our plush beds are wonderful places to sleep, but we ask that you sleep on the floor next to the beds. If sleeping on the floor is impossible, we ask that you submit current medical documentation as to why, notarized, with three witnesses. There will be no exceptions.
If you must sleep in the beds, we have conveniently provided a roll of clear plastic wrap for you to unspool prior to reclining. Some guests like to wrap their bodies rather than the bed. This is your getaway, so choose the path that sounds most fun!
You’ll notice the closets are stocked with premium fluffy towels. Please only use one towel per four bodies. The other towels are there for emergency use only, and if you have used more, we will assume you are having an expressly banned party. You can find the list of approved emergencies on pp. 12-23. For your drying convenience, there is metal wire and chip clips on the patio. Any excess towel usage will incur a $40 charge per towel, per day.
You are welcome to use the washer and dryer, but please use all-natural detergent, as conventional detergents dull the finish on the inside of the washing machine, and we would like to keep this washing machine gleaming. All-natural detergent is available at Whole Foods. The nearest Whole Foods is 63 miles east. Also, you may not wash the towels.
We’re pleased to offer a smart TV that works some of the time, but only under a Netflix profile by the name of “Hugo.” We’re not sure who that is, but the algorithm tells us he watches a lot of World War II films. If the account locks you out, please help yourself to our collection of DVDs purchased at a liquidating Blockbuster in 2005. May we suggest “The Pacifier” starring Vin Diesel?
Upon departure, please wash, dry and replace all dishes. There are invisible blacklight tick marks on the bottom of each mason jar wine glass, so we will know if they are put back out of order. The fine is $10 per glass.
Please strip the beds, even if you did not sleep on them, or if you were wrapped in plastic. We’d also appreciate it if you would launder and press the drapes, but that’s optional. This is vacation!
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We do not hide cameras here! But if we did, we wouldn’t tell you where they are.
Thank you so much for choosing to stay at Gentri-Vacation, and we hope the four hours you have to relax while not cleaning or wrapping and unwrapping yourself in plastic are blissful.
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