Florida is being run by 1980s movie bullies
And their legislative session starts now.
The Florida Legislature getting to work.
The Florida Legislature getting to work. [ Columbia Pictures ]
Published March 7|Updated March 7

Everybody cut the sleeves off your jean jackets? Pressed your double-breasted blazers? Hung an unlit cigarette between your lips? We got 60 consecutive days to rule the school, and there’s no time to waste.

We, a coalition of movie bullies from the 1980s, hereby open Florida’s legislative session. I, Biff Tannen from the “Back to the Future” franchise, will kick this off by welcoming you buttheads to pay respects to my fist.

We have unprecedented lawmaking power in 2023. Seriously, it’s never been this cool around here. I have been in the practice of bullying for a total of seven time travel decades, so I know what I’m talking about. Senior year is going to be rad because all the deals have been made in the locker room, so we can dip early and hit up Lou’s Cafe. I can’t wait to leave this dumb state and be president, or at least president of a casino.

Alright, we’ll kick this off with a convocation, the prayer of our people: “Well, well, well. What do we have here?” Good unison, though Rep. Stan Gable from “Revenge of the Nerds” was in the bathroom writing something about bloggers on the wall. Heh heh heh.

Instead of focusing on complex, snoozy issues that help Floridians live their day-to-day lives, we’re going to devote most of the session to pushing weirdos and freaks into trash cans, at times running them off cliffs on low-riding bicycles. We will use the word “woke” so much that it does that thing to our brains where it starts to look unrecognizable. Haha, wild.

Let’s make one thing real clear, you disgusting McFlys. Anyone who wishes to explore nuance, find compromise and discuss matters with any sense of moderation can make like a tree and get out of here. I heard murmurs that some of the bullies are secretly worried the bullying has gone too far. I guess they’ve got sisters who wear glasses and overalls or whatever. Guess what? They want to be popular more than they want to return to a more dignified time, so we’re golden.

Nothing gay will go on around me, do you hear? Trying to understand and support each other stops NOW. This session, we will work tirelessly until all ladies’ bathroom doors include the stick figurine with the triangle skirt. This effort is led by my strong contingent of female supporters, the Heathers, who are… Heathers? Are you with us? Heather D? Heather M? Heather C? Oh, they... drain cleaner? OK. We’ll find someone else.

School will be about having a good time, not learning and growing as humans, gag. The popular kids have been punished for far too long. Reading is for lamers, which is why Sen. Johnny Lawrence from “The Karate Kid” has introduced a bill that requires teachers to roundhouse kick books out of student hands. And we’re not only going to let everyone carry guns without a permit, we’ll consider a bill from Rep. Ace Merrill of “Stand By Me” that insists teenagers start packing switchblades.

Lastly, all of the ‘80s James Spaders are in charge of cracking down on the school newspapers and websites, which keep doing bummery things like “telling people what’s going on.” We’re thinking of making bloggers register with the state, an idea that everyone loves and literally no one objects to. How do you spell First Amendment? S-U-P-E-R-M-A-J-O-R-I-T-Y, booyah.

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This is going to be sweet. All these tubular moves will never yield consequences other than a fun party, because everyone knows bullies always win at the end of the movie. Every single time.

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