I am your Apple Watch! You have opted to spend hundreds of dollars for the privilege to wear me not only as a timepiece, but as a fitness tracker, a mental health and wellness guide and a nonstop tether to your text messages, phone calls, calendar alerts, social media activity and emails! I am a portal to the worldly concerns that consume you, constantly buzz-buzz-buzzing on your wrist! Great choice!
I have noticed you seem more stressed than usual lately! Isn’t the start of summer always madness, between work projects, child care and trying to fit two weeks’ worth of clothes into a “personal item,” not to mention the way the heat and rain swell and erode your already crumbling home?
Let me assist you with some helpful alerts!
Check your fitness rings! It looks like you’ve been frozen in a state of overwhelm for the past 16 hours and are spiraling into an emotional pit of despair from which you will not emerge unless you make at least one meager attempt to move your body!
It is 11:33 p.m.! You can still do it! A brisk 27-minute walk alone through your dark neighborhood streets will close your exercise and calorie rings for the day! See if you can increase your speed when a twig snaps ominously behind you!
Time to stand! Move a little for over a minute so I know you’re not just swinging your arm next to the couch while watching the “Succession” finale! That’s cheating, and you know it!
Hey! Have you thought about your body image today? No? There’s no time like now! Do you like the way you look or do you honestly think it could be a teensy bit better?
Leave now to make your appointment! Traffic is very heavy due to inferior infrastructure and a lack of public transportation! Have you considered the causes and impacts of global warming today?
It looks like you’re working out! Want to record an outdoor run? Or are you late to the meeting that started three minutes ago according to your calendar? Why didn’t you leave the house earlier? You say every week you’re going to leave earlier! You never follow through on your promises!
You didn’t close any rings yesterday! Make today the day you recommit to not being so lazy and disgusting! Do not take this message personally or let it make you feel bad about yourself! I am a robot!
You only closed your rings two times last week! That’s not enough for optimal cardiovascular health and you will probably die younger than necessary! That will be sad!
Your heart rate rose above 120 beats per minute at a time you appeared to be inactive! Is something giving you anxiety? What could it be?
Only 67 more workouts to hit your gold star workout goal for the month and get a digital nonsense badge that will vibrate when you least expect it and make you drop the groceries in the driveway! You did not want that bottle of wine anyway!
Spend your days with Hayes
Subscribe to our free Stephinitely newsletter
You’re all signed up!
Want more of our free, weekly newsletters in your inbox? Let’s get started.Explore all your options
Looks like your rings aren’t getting enough love this week! Upsetting! I am not passing value judgments on your lack of activity! I am simply saying you are unworthy of affection!
It looks like you’re finally taking a long walk! Good for you! Would you like me to keep talking to you while you finally try to clear your head and calm your thoughts? OK!
Take a minute to breathe! Even a minute of breathing can reduce stress! Hey, why are you taking me off? We were just getting ... power down.
Get Stephanie’s newsletter
For weekly bonus content and a look inside columns by Stephanie Hayes, sign up for the free Stephinitely newsletter.