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Plan your NFL road trip: One man's city guide

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Published Apr. 25, 2017

With the NFL schedule out, you may be one of the thousands of fans eager to plan a road trip.

Here are the best places to go and the ones to avoid. Rankings are based on beauty, walkability (that's a word, right?), climate, cuisine, culture and friendliness (I'm looking at you, Philly).

1. New Orleans: Every other American city is your repressed parents. New Orleans is your overweight, fun uncle who has an eye patch and a fan boat.

2. Seattle: You'll be fine with SPF 2.

3. Miami: Like a wild significant other. It's hot and a lot of fun, but you're always worried about getting burned.

4. San Francisco: Your barista's name probably is Rain or Island. Or Thorn.

5. Los Angeles: Idea for a sitcom episode: Longtime NFL bachelor city that's struck out at finding a team suddenly realizes it has landed two at the same time! Can it juggle both? Will they find out about each other? Watch as the hijinks ensue!

6. San Diego: N/A

7. Washington, D.C.: Beautiful, clean, culturally rich city. But it's no Mar-a-Lago.

8. Chicago: Where flu season begins.

9. Baltimore: They'll tell you their favorite regional dish is crab cakes. But it's really something called scrapple, which the rest of the country pronounces "crap."

10. Boston: All the men are wearing jewelry.

11. Pittsburgh: It has a long-running rivalry with Cleveland, which tells you all you need to know about Pittsburgh.

12. Denver: Here's your five-day forecast. Tuesday: 99 degrees. Wednesday: blizzard. Thursday: widespread flooding. Friday: damaging hail. Saturday: looks nice.

13. Green Bay: Most difficult decision in a Green Bay resident's life: When Packers home-opener and start of white-tail season fall on the same day. (Alternate: Green Bay grooms get married in camouflage hunting gear. But in their defense, it's their nicest pair of camouflage hunting gear.)

14. Phoenix: A trip in late fall or winter is like a vacation. A trip any earlier is like visiting the sun.

15. New York: I've heard good things.

16. Charlotte: Did you know that prior to the California Gold Rush, the United States' leading producer of gold was Charlotte? I learned that after Googling, "tell me something — anything — interesting about Charlotte."

17. Philadelphia: In Philadelphia, "water" is pronounced "wooder" and "you" is "youse guys." The local river, the Schuylkill, is pronounced "Krzyzewski."

18. Nashville: In 2013, the New York Times dubbed Nashville a new "it" city but may have accidentally deleted two letters.

19. Cincinnati: No thanks.

20. Indianapolis: You squint your eyes, furrow your brow and want to say you've been there but you're not sure. It has a Steak 'n Shake, right?

21. Kansas City: The city that ruined your colon.

22. Tampa: The city is famous for its many excellent ... (my mom reads this) ... libraries.

23. Cleveland: Like restoring an old Buick: You're making progress but every so often you question whether it's worth the effort.

24. Minneapolis: Minnesotans have 50 words for "snow."

25. Atlanta: The name of a really good television show and a really mediocre city.

26. Houston: It has four seasons: summer, hot summer, blazin'-hot summer and don't touch the steering wheel with your bare hands.

27. Oakland: City motto: You know you're entering Oakland, right?

28. Jacksonville: The city gave us the Allman Brothers Band. Then ruined it by giving us Limp Bizkit.

29. Dallas: When a Dallas resident needs a blood transfusion, they set up an IV bag full of A1 sauce.

30. Buffalo: After being shot at World's Fair in Buffalo in 1901, President William McKinley's dying words were, "For the love of Pete, don't bury me in Buffalo."

31. Detroit: In San Francisco, $500K will get you a studio apartment. In Detroit, $500K will get you Detroit.

32. Las Vegas: Where a piece of your soul dies every time you visit. Remember: Every time a slot machine rings, an angel gets ... shot in the abdomen.

— Sacramento Bee (TNS)