ST. PETERSBURG — If you spend any time on Twitter, you’ve probably come across the “Where y’all sitting’’ meme that exploded last weekend, reached Time magazine by mid-week and will be fossilized by Monday.
If you haven’t seen it, the meme is a bunch of lunch tables in the school cafeteria and you’re supposed to pick where you would sit.
One of the earliest versions included a different Justin Bieber song at each table, and readers were asked to choose one. It soon spread to all kinds of people/songs/movies and became a Rorschach-like test of social status.
For instance, do you sit with the jocks, the geeks or the goths?
So before it becomes too annoying — and we may have already missed that window — here’s a lunch table version for Tampa Bay sports. Choose your table carefully. Don’t forget, the school year is just starting, and it’s a long way until Thanksgiving break.
Table 1: The Do-gooders
Who: Derrick Brooks, Warrick Dunn, Jeff Vinik
Advantages: They won’t make fun of you for wearing corduroy pants and adidas T-shirts every day of your entire sophomore year. (Not that I would have any personal experience with that.)
Disadvantages: Do you really want to confront your own inadequacy issues at lunch every day?
Table 2: Parents’ nightmares
Who: Warren Sapp, Nikita Kucherov, Jim Leavitt
Advantages: Nobody is going to mess with you at this table. Actually, nobody else may sit with you at this table.
Disadvantages: The possibility of being choked out.
Table 3: Parents’ dreams
Who: Tony Dungy, Ben Zobrist, Brittany Lincicome
Advantages: Your grades will automatically get a 5 percent boost by association. This has been verified by National Education Association data.
Disadvantages: Good luck getting anyone to buy beer for you on a Friday night.
Table 4: The brains
Who: Steve Yzerman, Stu Sternberg, Tony La Russa
Advantages: You’re privy to articulate discussions about world crises, socio-economic issues, innovations and political trend lines
Disadvantages: See above sentence.
Table 5: Class clowns
Who: Jon Gruden, Hulk Hogan, John Tortorella
Advantages: Laughter may be the only credible antidote for Tuesday’s Salisbury steak.
Disadvantages: Might want to keep your girlfriend away from Hulk.
Table 6: Populars
Who: Evan Longoria, Steven Stamkos, Gerald McCoy
Advantages: By force of personality, you can shepherd all of these pretty people into a dynamite a-cappella singing group that competes at nationals. Wait a minute, being told that’s the plot for the movie Pitch Perfect.
Disadvantages: Eventually, they will break your heart.
Table 7: Hipsters
Who: Joe Maddon, Simeon Rice, Barry Melrose
Advantages: Hardly ever return to class after lunch, and yet no one seems to notice.
Disadvantages: Do you really want to be the kid wearing a Kierkegaard T-shirt and drinking wine in the parking lot at Friday night football games?
Table 8: Underclassmen
Who: Pete Alonso, Kevin Knox, Brayden Point
Advantages: Sort of like hanging with the popular kids except they’re too young to realize you’re not cool enough to sit at their table.
Disadvantages: They still watch Nickelodeon.
Table 9: Overachievers
Who: Marty St. Louis, Kevin Kiermaier, Shaquem Griffin
Disadvantages: They don’t arrive with built-in popularity, then they make you look bad by outworking you every single day. No thank you.
John Romano can be reached at email@example.com. Follow @romano_tbtimes