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'The X-Files,' Season 10, Episode 3: Best quotes from 'Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster'

Scully and Mulder search for a creature believed to have attacked several people in this week's hilarious episode.
Scully and Mulder search for a creature believed to have attacked several people in this week's hilarious episode.
Published Feb. 2, 2016

I tried to write a real recap of this episode. I tried to recount how Mulder and Scully switched roles, as they sometimes do, with Mulder playing the tired skeptic while Scully presses him toward the truth (also, Scully says the "I Want to Believe" poster is hers!). About how the werelizard turns out to be not a werelizard, per se, at all but a regular old lizard-creature who has been bitten and turned into an actually harmless werehuman. About how the stoners from Season 3 are still stoners but Mulder has tried to master smartphones and wears some bright red briefs.

But really, anything I could write couldn't help you appreciate this episode's utterly zany sense of humor, delivered in fine absurdist form by writer Darin Morgan (who also wrote, among others, "Jose Chung's From Outer Space" and "Humbug"). And what I kept coming back to were the quotes because by Guy Mann the lizard man there are some doozies.

Herewith, some beautiful quotes (and GIFs!) from "Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster."

Mulder: "Since we've been away, most of the unexplained has been explained."

Mulder: "Scully, I gave up profiling before I gave up monsters. You've seen one serial killer, you've seen them all."

Prostitute: "I told the officer it slithered off that way but the officers thought I was on crack."
Mulder: "Are you?"
Prostitute: "...Yeah."

Mulder, finishing a rant about monster possibilities: "I don't know what this thing is, I don't know how it came to be. ... All I'm saying, Scully, is this thing's a monster."
Scully, grinning: "Yeah. This is how I like my Mulder."
Mulder: "So you're agreeing with me?"
Scully: "No! You're bat crap crazy."

Crazy psychologist: "Werewolf? I meant werelizard. The werewolf was my patient on Monday."

Crazy psychologist: "I gave him a powerful antipsychotic, but I doubt it helped."
Mulder: "Why?"
Crazy psychologist: "He seemed preeeeetty crazy."

Crazy psychologist: "Who is more in need of an antipsychotic -- the man who believes he is a werelizard, or the man who believes him?"

Mulder: "You're not going to do anything crazy are you?"
Guy Mann/Werelizard: "No. I'm just gonna kill you. Ya ready?"

Guy Mann/Werelizard: "Because I gained the one Darwinian advantage humans have on other animals: the ability to BS my way through anything."

Guy Mann/Werelizard: "Who would do that? A human!"

Mulder: "So during your ... normal state, you're a vegetarian?"
Guy Mann/Werelizard: "An insectivore. But nobody likes insects, even other insects."

Guy Mann/Werelizard, to Mulder's question about when he changes from human to lizard: "I don't know how it works. I'm not a scientist."

Scully: "I'd like to point out it wasn't a monster running around killing people and eating their flesh. It was a normal human being."

Scully, after Mulder asks why she rushed into danger: "You forget: I'm immortal."