The NFL's problem? Jell-O isn't an official sponsor. This is Super Bowl Sunday, so we thought we'd begin with a football item. The Platinum Plus Gentleman's Casino Cruise placed this ad recently in the Miami Herald: "Join 200 naked show girls and dozens of pro football superstars on a full action casino Super Bowl cruise that will make the Love Boat blush." However, NFL officials warned active players not to participate in the cruise, which promised 50 football stars, naked show girls, a nude limbo contest _ and a pool full of gelatin. I left my heart . . . A Spokane, Wash., nurse who accidentally dropped a donated human heart, then threw it in a trash can without telling anyone was reprimanded and fined $250 recently. Fearing she had contaminated the organ, registered nurse Wanda R. Condon tossed the heart and then falsified documents to indicate it had been shipped to a tissue recovery laboratory. Someone has a bright future with the Internal Revenue Service. Police in Pontotoc, Miss., got five 911 calls the other day from a 5-year-old boy who was home from school with the chicken pox. The boy hung up the first three times, but the 911 system showed where the calls came from. On the fourth call a dispatcher told the boy that a squad car was being sent to check on him. "Don't send the law," he replied. Then he called a fifth time and hung up again. Deputies arrived at the house and found the boy's mother smoking marijuana. Her son showed them where to find a small amount of the drug hidden under a couch. The mother now faces misdemeanor drug charges, and the boy is being cared for by relatives. "The boy was so proud of himself," said a police spokesman. "He was tickled to death at what he'd done." The defense rests. A Toronto man accused of sodomy told a Canadian court he could not have committed the offense because his penis is too small, the Canadian Press news agency reported recently. Robert Douglas, 34, said it was "totally impossible" for him to have sexually assaulted a 22-year-old man because he was impotent and his penis was only two inches long. He told jurors he had never had an erection and had spent a great deal of time and money buying pills and penis enlargers advertised in pornographic magazines. Dr Andrew Michalchuk, a specialist in urology who examined Douglas, confirmed the size of his penis, describing it as "quite small." It doesn't say POISONOUS serpents, does it? Witnesses said Dewey Bruce Hale brought a live rattlesnake to the New River Free Holiness Church in Enigma, Ga., recently because the Bible says believers "shall take up serpents." Alas, Hale took the reptile out of its box, was bitten on the hand and died a few hours later after refusing medical treatment. Martha Hale, a cousin of the victim, said church members take the Bible literally, particularly a passage in Mark that says one sign of those who believe in Jesus is that "they shall take up serpents." "Many have been bitten and were healed at the church," she said. "They feel Dewey didn't die because of the snake, but that he died because it was his time to go." Hale was 40. Speaking of someone's time to go . . . It took Bartow investigators almost four months to figure out what happened in a bizarre shooting Sept. 23, but they finally arrested Edward Hand last week and charged him with third-degree murder, kidnapping and assault. Investigators said the shooting was the result of a love triangle involving Hand, 33, Ronald Gauley, 34, and Gauley's estranged wife, Kathy, also 34. According to police, Gauley and his wife separated in late 1993 and Kathy Gauley moved in with Hand. Last June, she moved out of Hand's home and talked about getting back together with her husband. After attending a funeral Sept. 23, the trio wound up at Hand's trailer in Bartow. When Mrs. Gauley began packing her clothes, Hand pulled out a gun and held the Gauleys prisoner, first threatening to kill them, then threatening suicide. Eventually he tucked the gun barrel under his chin and pulled the trigger. The slug passed through his chin and into his mouth, then bounced off his teeth and out of his right cheek. The bullet crossed the room and struck Ronald Gauley in the head, killing him instantly. Hand spent three weeks in a hospital and is now being held in the Polk County jail. Psst. Wouldn't this look great on the east wall? It wasn't surprising that the Aurora (Ill.) City Council voted recently to officially reprimand an alderman who handed out nude photos of himself at a council meeting. What was a little strange was that the offending alderman, Marc Roberts, voted in favor of his own censure. "When I make a mistake I like to admit it," Roberts said. Roberts, 41, passed around to other members of the council nude photos of himself taken on a North Carolina beach in 1976. He said he wanted to show the aldermen what kind of art might be considered suitable for a mural in council chambers.